Depth Of A Relationship
During my 49 years of life, and love experiences, I can honestly say that I have enjoyed three love "types" of relationships. What I mean is that I have been involved in only three long term relationships where love was the center, or at least I believed them to be love centered. I know that the ultimate goal in life is to be involved in only one love relationship, but the reality is this. As human beings many of us grow and change, or it is that our mates fail to do so, thus causing relationships to end.
As I reflect, I see that in each relationship there we're variations of what I thought love was about. With each evolving relationship I discovered that the love I was searching for wasn't what I needed. In fact it wasn't the love what I wanted.
In my mind I have always held a vision of what love was suppose to be. In each and every case I settled for less only because I never thought that I was good enough to achieve that type of love. What I learned was that I didn't respect love enough to actually wait for it. This ultimately ended up doing nothing more than to further destroy my hopes of ever finding that one true love that would complete me. In my continued search I became desperate to hold onto the crumbs of love. Crumbs that I found acceptable that did nothing but break my spirit as a human being.
My first "In Love" relationship came when I was 17. I was completely blinded, but more than anything I was beyond naive. This naivety would eventually cause me nothing more than pain and create a reckless life style in which I found myself hurting others. Never physically hurting others, but emotionally by jumping in and out of many relationships, for several years, before they ever had a chance to blossom.
I based this relationship on a few distinct factors as why it meant so much to me. I was 17, duh, and in the prime of my sexuality. I saw myself as this romantic man when in reality I was just a horny teenager. The sex was awesome and I was in love. This was the beginning of a hurting relationship that began defining me as the man I would become. I settled for what felt good to me at the time. I had to no long term vision in this relationship, nor did I allow myself any patience to see the true reality of what it would become.
This relationship met my needs sexually. We came from two different backgrounds with no similar views or values. It also came at time in my life when I needed what I wasn't getting at home. I confused sex with love and this is what destroyed my self respect. The more she pulled away, the more I wanted her. It became a dysfunction that caused me to drop out of school and alienate my friends and family. I was like a puppy dog. Here I was chasing a 19 year old girl whom had no interest in me other than having sex. Neither one of us was in a position to get married, but that's what I wanted and I couldn't see anything other than spending the rest of my life with her. Amazing how strong our desires are at such a young age. Desires that are unfocused and come from a defect in our character that had developed in childhood.
My second relationship developed out of a rebound from my first love and lasted three and a half years. In this relationship I was partially connected emotionally and sexually, but again I picked someone in opposition to my own views. I was 18 and she was 22. We married about nine months after we met. I proposed because I thought it was the right thing to do. After all, my parents we're married at 19 and had made it work, In fact they will celebrate almost sixty years of marriage this next year.
My third relationship lasted 6 years. She and I both portrayed ourselves as something we weren't. It's kinda funny in away, because we both shared the same views on what we wanted, but had very different ways of going about achieving them.
In this relationship I was 100% connected emotionally and only about 50% sexually. I have to say that this was the closest that I had ever come to achieving my dream relationship, unfortunately our relationship was born out of desperation and not love. We both shared in the responsibility of our relationship demise. In the end we both we're guilty of lying to each other about what our intentions were. Our break up came long before we actually parted ways. This relationship was the deepest and most emotional time of my life. It brought me from feeling an immense amount of joy and happiness to all the way down to feeling like a tortured animal. Almost like a lamb led to slaughter. I'm quite sure that she felt the same way in the end.
It's been almost 4 years since my last true relationship ended. I remember feeling the numbness in my heart and body for a very long time. It took about two years for me to really take a good, hard look at myself. The one and only thing that helped me to realize my mistakes and shortcomings came when I began writing. I would literally spend hours and days writing about what came to my mind. Everything from childhood to adulthood was slowly revealing itself to me. These we're my views, opinions and personal experiences all rolled into many small epiphany's that have evolved into one long book. It was the most healing time of my life and has helped me to recognize, and avoid, the red flag relationships that I could be in today.
I've dated a few times since then. Met some really nice and not so nice women. I have found that just being friends with a woman is the best I can commit to at this time. My Kids and my job take up most of my time, not to mention all the time I spend developing and managing FIFW.
I have been handed the best relationship of all. The Joy of my children and the joy of writing. The best part of my life so far has been raising my two boys for the last 9 years. Without them I would probably still be lurking in an ungrounded and disappointing relationship completely void of what I truly desire.
The best thing that came from one of these three relationships was my two boys. Ryan and Nicholas have certainly changed me. As I watch them grow and learn from day to day, their mistakes and their achievements have led me to believe one thing for certain. It is that they have taught me more about myself than I could ever hope to teach them.
My past experience in the love department has left me feeling many emotions. None of them angry or regretful. I am still open to the possibility that one day I will find my match and contentment will lay itself at my front door each time I arrive home. For this I am extremely thankful and very hopeful. Hope is what keeps love alive and our hearts open. Open to accept the right person into our lives to last a lifetime.
Posted in Real Estate Post Date 09/03/2022